I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.