PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.