Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 馃槙
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
馃槜馃挩
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 馃槍馃挱
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
How we blocked people in the 90s 馃槃
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.