How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”