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@bartandsoul : Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time...
@bartandsoul: It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
@bartandsoul: My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
@bartandsoul: Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
@bartandsoul: No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
@bartandsoul: Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
@bartandsoul: 8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
@bartandsoul: “I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
@bartandsoul: “Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.