@bartandsoul

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

@bartandsoul

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

@bartandsoul

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

@bartandsoul

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

@bartandsoul

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

@bartandsoul

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

@bartandsoul

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

@bartandsoul

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

@bartandsoul

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

@bartandsoul

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk