@bartandsoul

*Blind date*

Me: “I like to dress my eight cats like Santa’s reindeer!”

Her: *vapor trail

@bartandsoul

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

@bartandsoul

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

@bartandsoul

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

@bartandsoul

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

@bartandsoul

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

@bartandsoul

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

@bartandsoul

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

@bartandsoul

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time