Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk