Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug