Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?