The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.