Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.