I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.