Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.