TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*