An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
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I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this