THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
