50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.