I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.