*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
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mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Breaking news:
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.