My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”