Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@bea_ker : "And, as we commit our brother Whack-A-Mole to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust..."
*another coffin slowly rises behind him*
@bea_ker: Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
@bea_ker: WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
@bea_ker: Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
@bea_ker: I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
@bea_ker: My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
@bea_ker: EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
@bea_ker: Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
@bea_ker: "It's definitely better without a condom" I say, removing it from my soup