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@bea_ker : Teachers love saying 'If Shakespeare was alive today he'd be a rapper'. Wrong. If Shakespeare was alive today he'd be a 460-year old freak and people would fear him.
@bea_ker: "And, as we commit our brother Whack-A-Mole to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust..."
*another coffin slowly rises behind him*
@bea_ker: Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
@bea_ker: WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
@bea_ker: Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
@bea_ker: I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
@bea_ker: My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
@bea_ker: EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
@bea_ker: Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up