@bea_ker

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

@bea_ker

MY WIFE: [donating blood]
ME: That’s from both of us

@bea_ker

That’s the third time Adam Sandler’s scootered past my house this morning. Dude if you want to go on my trampoline just ask

@bea_ker

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

@bea_ker

Politics informs every aspect of my life. It affects how much money I have, how I spend it, and my work itself. Sorry, not politics. Pokemon

@bea_ker

Hey man, settle an argument for me?
“Sure”
[handing him a sword] Great, he’s just in there

@bea_ker

GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: You look great
GUY: Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: No

@bea_ker

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

@bea_ker

Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them

@bea_ker

Newsreader: Police are asking anyone with any information-
Me: [shouting at TV] You lose 90% of your heat from your head