Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of bea_ker's best tweets

@bea_ker : "It's definitely better without a condom" I say, removing it from my soup

@bea_ker: MY WIFE: [donating blood]
ME: That's from both of us

@bea_ker: That's the third time Adam Sandler's scootered past my house this morning. Dude if you want to go on my trampoline just ask

@bea_ker: [date slides her top down her shoulder to show me a scar]
I got this surfing
[I show her my grotesque balls]
I was born like this I think

@bea_ker: Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a "thirsty boy"

@bea_ker: Politics informs every aspect of my life. It affects how much money I have, how I spend it, and my work itself. Sorry, not politics. Pokemon

@bea_ker: Hey man, settle an argument for me?
[handing him a sword] Great, he's just in there

@bea_ker: GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see
EDVARD MUNCH: You look great
GUY: Let me see

@bea_ker: Donald Trump's campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

@bea_ker: Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them