Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
every. time.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Would you wear it?
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.