Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on