Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
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Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I know this now 😂
This will never not be funny to me.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Thoughts
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping