The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.