My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
SF is the wild wild west man
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA