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Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*