When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.