I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”