I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.