If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
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My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him