a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”