Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!