i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house