I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!