Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Doggies just call it style.

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

☺️

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.