Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…