I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.