Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.