Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.