Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?