Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
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Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.