My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
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Good morning, Twitter x
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I know a bad idea when I see one.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat