Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
You Might Also Like
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
X-tra spooky blend
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?