Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn