Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.