How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces