HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.