There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
There are no pants in heaven.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore