I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.