15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.